…life from my perspective
I’m not going to even bullshit with this one because this topic is very important to me. When she told me she was never going to get married, which was fueled in part by her desire never to be married, I immediately replied “NO! We BOTH are going to get married someday and live happily ever after.” She wasn’t going. No amount of convincing, encouraging or force feeding of “what God says” was going to change her mind. I left the conversation feeling a little empty, disillusioned and uninspired. What if she was right? What if we had passed our prime and our clocks were ticking so loud that the shit was beginning to sound like an incessantly buzzing alarm clock? What if the longer it took for us to find a mate the less likely we were to find someone we were compatible with? What if we settled for less than stellar to avoid the possibility of growing old alone? Or even worse. What if the fact that we were healthy, physically fit and attractive, mid 30s, educated, gainfully employed and STILL single meant that there was something SEVERELY WRONG with us? I mean, is it a far stretch to believe that there must be something WE’RE lacking if we’re getting passed over? I can’t do this. I’m going to make myself sick. Mulling over these thoughts is more than enough to drive anyone mad. But I’m not mad. Primarily because I have an insight into my own life and an understanding of my relationships the outside world isn’t privy to. One reason I know we’re single is because we haven’t put ourselves in circles or situations that would afford us the opportunity of meeting quality, eligible bachelors. I suppose once we leave training camp and DECIDE to get back into the game the painted picture will start to look different. To a LOT of people. Until then, we appear as old maids to the outside world. But then again, not really, if you take a closer look.
You can fuck but that doesn’t mean your partner is “with you” or that they will stay. You can be in a relationship with someone and still feel lonely. You can be called to go out on dates and to share company and small talk without there ever being a “real” connection. It is not my intention to speak ill of or diminish the value of relationships simply because I am not in one. I DO think we have to have an understanding of the effort required to sustain a relationship and the expectations of both people who choose to enter into one together. In the past I’ve been accused of “over-analyzing” things and oftentimes scolded for using my head and not following my heart. And while this may be true, I STILL believe rational thinking coupled with a self-acceptance of our feelings and the creation of a healthy space for emotional expression separates fantasy from reality and serves to keep us grounded. To that end – I’m not out here on bullshit. And while I love the company of men and very frequently as of late, have had a craving for that thang, I am dating for marriage so I don’t waste time on “hookups” that I feel VERY strongly may end up at the corner of hell naw and what the fuck. This time I’m doing things differently. I’ve chosen to learn more about me by exploring others. I’ve decided to exercise discipline and showcase aspects of my character and personality that intrigue and engage men outside of my physical appearance and sexual prowess. All in an effort to snag me a husband because I believe in marriage and if I go about dating in the proper way my man will find me. I know he will.
I just don’t think we can go wrong with doing things the way God and nature intended. Eating the proper foods for the nourishment of our bodies. Thinking the proper thoughts for the nourishment of our minds and spirit. Serving our fellow man to build strength and character for him and for ourselves. Finding our partner in our husband or wife so that we BOTH can live our FULLEST life. Now this doesn’t mean you can’t do great things while you are single. It doesn’t negate the amazing and wonderful contributions to our lives, to our families and to the world by those who aren’t married. It just means that if we want to get the MOST out of life, it takes a tag-team effort. A man needs a woman to help him create his reality and a woman needs a man’s strength and love to sustain her so she can educate her children and teach them how to spread love throughout the world. I won’t abandon the idea of marriage or the promise of true love because it “seems” now as if the pickings are slim. I won’t give up on living my best life, which for me includes getting married and having children, because the baggage left from former lovers is too heavy a burden to bear. I won’t ignore my need for love and companionship because my past relationships may be considered failures since things were too much for us to handle and we weren’t able to stay the course. I won’t continue to believe that I don’t have much to offer and that I don’t deserve the best because “I’m past my prime” and “my biological clock is ticking”. And though I’m numb, indifferent, disinterested, fearful, vulnerable and hopeful, I realize the only thing REALLY stopping me is me. Until tomorrow youngn’s.