…life from my perspective
Everything that COULD go wrong today, DID. This is just a very shitty day for me and I’m irritable just because My mood is fucked up right now AND I need a job. My biggest issue is trying to save enough guap before I leave for London because NOT going to London is NOT an option. I have SO many mini goals that I want to accomplish but I JUST don’t seem to be making any headway.
I agreed to fast today with Rose for Rev. Meeks from 6am – 6pm but I am extending my fast until tomorrow afternoon at 3pm. I fasted last week for almost 40hrs and felt great. Before last week I hadn’t fasted in months so I’ve decided to make fasting part of my weekly routine again. 2 yrs ago I used to fast on Thursdays and Sundays and I never felt better. I know the fasting ritual is a sacred covenant between God and I and public announcements are strongly discouraged but documenting it here let’s me know the impact fasting has on my mood and mental state. I want to see how long it takes me to get back to the peace and calm I once knew. I desire to become more disciplined and grow closer to “Him” so I hope this is one way I can successfully achieve this.
Days like this further convince me that I’m unproductive as I don’t have anything tangible to reinforce that I “am progressing.” This is an on-going dilemma for me as I am not where I thought I would be at this time in my life nor can I see what my world looks like 3-5 yrs from now. All I KNOW is I’m tired of being broke and confronting minor bouts of what I believe to be depression. Sometimes it’s hard living and I want to do more than “just get by” or “make a living.” Fuck That. Life ain’t about barely making a way or “scratching and surviving”; nor do I believe suffering is the pre-requisite for God’s blessing. Clearly I’m emotional so this rant is warranted. Once I calm down I hope to put things into their proper perspective and move beyond where I am.
I’ve decided no Bikram, no gym and no running today. I’m going to think, read, drink tea and listen to my iPod; minimal distractions from the outside world. Hopefully this brings inner peace and a more positive outlook for me to face tomorrow.
OH – Mama hit me with the “you need to press your hair out if you want a real job” line again. I SHOLE wasn’t trying to hear THAT shit. I just said “OK Ma” and hurried up and got my ass up off the phone. TODAY was NOT the day for THAT advice.
In a minute…..