…life from my perspective





“you have no idea of how I got this way…”

I’m conflicted.  And while this is nothing new, it has become my reality as of late.  I want all things that others claim will enrich our lives but in recent times these things haven’t mattered much: a family of my own, material wealth, positive, progressive female friendships, mind-blowing blankety blank.  Maybe I take for granted that in time these things will come so I don’t worry my pretty head.  Maybe I’m too lazy to “go out and get” these life enriching things so I don’t even try.  Maybe once I’ve decided I REALLY DO want these things but then see the effort required to achieve them, I abandon the mission altogether.  Maybe I don’t realize that the value of each of these things outweighs my pride and self sacrifice and can create a life for me that is 1000xs better than what I could create by my lonesome. Or maybe I’m just bi-polar.  Whatever the case may be, I hope time will reveal it.  I hope my decisions are guided towards the best possible outcome for me in the grand scheme of things.  See, I trust my own judgment.  And I usually exercise caution before moving forward and though there are times when I desire to act on impulse, those scenarios rarely ever play out – only in my mind.  My damn imagination is on 100 thousand trillion because that’s where my fantasies live and I can become whoever I don’t have the heart to be in real life.  I don’t react off instinct or give in to passion-filled urges; real consequences come with those actions so I usually decide against them.  There are also times when I feel I should speak my mind because “it’s the truth” and “it’s on my heart” but I just end up shutting my trap because this makes things easier.  Less confrontational.  More Peaceful. Pleasant and Safe.   And I justify this with the notion that everything I think need not be said but I wonder if this is best.  Lately I’m having a difficult time choosing what should be said and when, and with whom I should share my thoughts with.  So this leaves me with what? This conflict thing hitting me from ALL angles.  Everywhere I turn this bitch is there. I WANT one thing but chase something different.  I FEEL this way but communicate another.  I THINK this but say nothing or only bits and pieces of that.  I don’t know what the fuck has gotten into me but if it’s fear, a new world order setting up shop in my mind with a slave-like mentality and life-threatening consequences or just plain ole indifference – FLEE FROM THEE! NOW!! It’s making me feel a bit uneasy because I don’t understand it so I can’t explain it.   I can’t change it because I don’t know WHAT it is nor do I know WHAT needs to be changed or WHY it needs to be changed IF it needs to be changed at all. I’m gone make myself sick…..

I took an Enneagram personality test the other day and based on my responses they defined me as Type 1 – The Reformer.  Type 1s are described as sensical and ethical.  They are teachers, crusaders and advocates for change: always striving to improve things but afraid of making a mistake.  They try to maintain high standards but can slip into being critical and perfectionistic.   Did this test taker just read me like a book or what? Well, THAT wasn’t even the best part of my personality assessment.  It went on to say that in the effort to stay true to their principles, 1s resist being affected by their instinctual drives.  The result is a personality type that has problems with repression, resistance and aggression. (What jigga? This part is wrong) 1s are people usually sitting on a cauldron of passions and desires who use convictions and judgments to control and direct themselves and their actions.  The test went on to speak about personal growth, fears, desires, and compatibility levels with other types.  It was a fun, engaging and eye-opening exercise.  Sometimes to read about or hear from others what you think you already know about yourself brings about a validation of your thoughts and feelings. It can be liberating. Sometimes.  Below is the link.  Take the “free test” and see what it says about you.

I hate making mistakes because I have a fear of failure. I make little allowances for learning curves and frown upon half-assed efforts.  I come from the school of go-hard or go-home.  And in this, the reality is not lost upon me that every performance isn’t going to be star-stellar.  There will be times when we won’t be able to put up Jordan numbers. Hell there were times JORDAN wasn’t able to put up Jordan numbers! I don’t LIKE this fact though I understand this is how the cookie crumbles.  I’ve recently tried my hand at something new and I SUCK AT IT.  Unabashedly, SUCK.  And because I like to win, win, win…this shit is making me anxious and frustrated.  I’ve been able to reconcile these feelings with the idea that I’m inexperienced, this isn’t a life-long commitment and it’s all in fun.  But because it’s competitive in nature and I have a competitive spirit, the notion of it being “fun” takes a back seat. I have however come to terms with the fact that all I can do is put forth my best effort. If after my best effort, which entails additional training and outside practice,  I STILL SUCK? Then it is what it is and I’m cool with that.  A little bit. I think. You know how the saying goes, “Nothing beats a failure but a try.” But I’m going to try my best to kick failure dead in his ass. NOTE: failure is a he because I like kicking men dead in their asses. Until tomorrow youngn’s.

2 comments on “YOU HAVE NO IDEA….

  1. raina
    March 31, 2011

    This post resonnates with me more than you could ever imagine

    • nisavidan
      March 31, 2011

      Wow Rain. Really? I kinda didn’t wanna go there with it but…I’m glad I did because I feel better. And I’m glad you see YOU in it too.

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