nisavidan

…life from my perspective

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“you are now tuned into tha muh fuckin’ greatest!” – HOV (Dirt Off Ya Shoulder)

Taryn said I needed to write more often. Unbeknownst to her I gave a smug grin and agreed the second she said it.  When I started blogging last winter that WAS my goal – to write everyday.  Then every day became every few days and every few days became only when I had something to say.  I took up blogging so I could confront my fears.  I wanted to learn more about who I was so I could figure out how to become the woman I so desperately wanted to be.  Becoming a better writer, one who is articulate, logical, emotionally expressive and passionate, was incidental.  I already know practice makes perfect and the idea that if you want to master your craft you have to work non-stop at it isn’t lost on me.  Some days I just don’t have anything to say.  I’m inspired by people and events around me; chance meetings, conversations, intimate moments, rap lyrics, shit my mother says.  And while I suppose I COULD blog about SOMETHING everyday for the sake of saying “yeah I write daily” the fear that follows is, will it be good enough? Mediocrity makes me nauseous.  The mere thought of skating through something simply because I can, forces me to take up a new challenge just to see if I can master it.  It’s this pressing desire to succeed that keeps the fear of failure at the forefront of my mind.

“Imma tell you like George Bush told me – fuck yall niggas I’m outta here..” – ‘Ye (Go Hard)

I come from the school of go hard or go home.  If you find that you aren’t cut out for something after you’ve given it your BEST effort, walking away takes just as much heart as seeing it through.  And for those tasks I DO decide to take on, I put my best foot forward.  I always feel that I CAN do better and I’m never satisfied that what I’ve given is enough.  But along the way, I second guess myself when I probably shouldn’t.  I give up on myself when others believe I have what it takes to go the distance.  Others see in me things I don’t see in myself.  And while I’m better than some, I fall right in line with most.   I’m not as good as others think I am.  Because my fear has a power I have yet to usurp, I shy away from people and things that are unfamiliar.  I become overwhelmed with anxiety when I think there is a task I can’t accomplish successfully.  I stay in my comfort zone doing things I know I can do just so I can do them to perfection.  The crazy thing is I don’t desire to be perfect nor do I seek accolades or attaboys from others.  I have an intense need to climb to greater heights because in doing this I awaken the God spirit within me.  Only when this inner spirit is alive do I feel complete. Loved. Invincible. Free.

“you can’t fuck with me so just leave it alone…” – Badu (On & On)

I’m nervous about moving to London by myself and the demands of the program are a constant reminder of the weight of responsibility that rests on my shoulders. I don’t want to be afraid.  I don’t want to make mistakes. I don’t want to fail. And while I’ve flirted with the idea of not leaving, just staying here and getting a job, and possibly having a baby, I know I have to do this.  As fearful as I am and as uncomfortable as it may seem, I can’t run from it I have to run towards it.  I suppose I should adopt a similar approach when it comes to blogging.  I could AT LEAST attempt to blog everyday even if what I am writing about isn’t introspective or profound.  I should make learning more about me the priority, so if more blog entries are needed to help peel away the layers, then more blog entries it should be. But until I can push aside this need to do and be the best, only expect blog posts when the spirit hits me. Until tomorrow youngn’s.

” for me giving ups way harder than trying…”  – ‘Ye (Champion)

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August 2011
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