nisavidan

…life from my perspective

I’VE BECOME SO NUMB…ER #1

“I’ve become so numb I can’t feel you there…”

“hunger hurts but starving works when it costs too much to love…”

He said my teeth were nice and white.  I told him I’ve been drinking a lot of water and scarfing down granny smith apples as if I’ll never eat another one again and somehow I thought this was responsible for my picture perfect smile.  As he shared his thoughts about my pearly whites, my mind switched to the idea that though we all want to be found attractive, admired, honored, respected, accepted, well-liked and understood, nothing comes close to that all-consuming desire to be loved. L…O…V…E.  And most of us have experienced love’s power to make us feel larger than life, greater than what we really are and hopelessly driven to chase a fairytale that rarely contains enough truth to exist.  NOTE: this insurmountable feeling will remain until reality hits that the “newness” of your love affair is Audi 5000 and the piercing pain waiting to smother you once you’ve fallen hard and fast off that high horse will be unlike any you’ve ever felt in your long legged life.  And all my single ladies, many of us are served our five fingers to the face out the gate when homeboy tells you he’s “not ready for a “relationship” but would like to “take you out” or “hook up with you” every now and then.  You know the ones whose good looks, intellect, charisma, the fact that he is down for the cause, worldly and cultured, can fix things around the house before they’re broken, knows the answer to whatever question you ask, can out talk you when you’re right, silence you when you’re wrong, make beats AND knows rap, makes you want to share his space and give him what he came for though it goes against what you want and what you truly believe you deserve.  Whatever dream tickets he selling – you buying. First. With cash. Big-faced 100s. But fret not my loves.  I’m here to save you.  All you have to do is pause, take a step back, put your thinking caps on and examine this love piece from ALL angles.  Men, this goes for you too.  No one is exempt from love’s war wounds.  Cupid’s bow and arrow has EVERYONE’S name on it.   At the end of the day gods and earths, this love game is unpredictable and you have to be prepared for any and all outcomes.  No sleepers allowed.

“I’m a shadowboxer baby, I wanna be ready for what you do..”

Please understand me.  Love is not a game and I don’t take it lightly but there are many out there who do.  Few are qualified to bring it into existence, keep it alive and do it justice.  And while I’d spit on the grave of those that use love, abuse love, manipulate the vulnerabilities and twist the emotions of those who choose love, I can’t crucify them without examining the context in which their wrongdoing is committed.  Many are ignorant.  Most are emotionally immature and haven’t learned how to temper their raging emotions with logic and a clear, unfiltered perspective. A vast majority are driven by their lower desires.  And some are just plain dumb –  confusing lust with love.  But if you take a closer look, intertwined with that dumbness, is a longing.  An innocence. A passion. A need.  Misplaced feelings being used to fill a void left empty and broken by unrequited love.  So much so, they take what they can get when they can get it.  Trying hard to make something out of nothing, all the while, feeling more sad, afraid, distrusting and lonely than if they were alone.   Then you have those who are so damaged they’re irreparable and then there are those still that have some insight into relationships, human behavior and the laws of attraction and refuse to get in too deep.  It’s sort of like a predetermined depth that’s been decided upon from the beginning no matter the nature of the relationship or where it goes and it can’t be negotiated.

“you build me up and then leave me there….”

If a couple’s been married for 30+ years somebody done cheated.  In all honesty, it should be 5+ years but I’m trying to champion for marriage and wave its banner of integrity. Sex, emotional bonds, financial dependency, friendships that have blurred the lines. I don’t care how you slice it, there’s been someone else who’s helped the cheater stay in their marriage.  Often times, the marriage becomes stronger because of the infidelity.  And if it comes to a couple HAS been married for 30 years and neither says they’ve cheated, odds are they’ve agreed to keep it between them and NOT tell you.  Oh, and if a couple IS married and neither has cheated, tell them I said to stay married.  Once again let me set the record straight.  I believe in marriage and I believe in love but I DO NOT believe people have the capacity to see through the limitations that a “life-long” commitment places on them or their imperfect unions.  Yes God CAN see you through and prayer DOES work but life is about exploration.  Moving beyond where you are.  Getting better, so you can do better, so you can be better. Learning and improving you with the help of others.  The only way we can do this is by developing relationships and creating bonds.  98% of “these bonds” shouldn’t be sexual in nature but we’re humans who are animalistic in nature, especially men, so you can’t suppress the innate character of something which dictates the very essence of that thing. What you CAN do is learn it, to understand it, to know how best to navigate it so you don’t place the same expectations at the feet of others that you yourself can fall short of.  THIS IS NOT a free pass for married people to be out here acting all willy nilly.  It’s more of a warning to get your head out of the clouds and be prepared to tackle real life issues when they happen in real life.

“something in the way society rears us, commitment weirds us out – it tears us apart…”

Your man likes somebody besides you and your girl will chop it up with dude when you acting out your body.  If you’re not married you’re single and so is your boyfriend/girlfriend. Period. There still is value in “monogamous relationships” as many serve to bring about the legalized unions I spoke of earlier.  Once you understand that your man’s flirting or talking to other women is harmless and your girl wearing her fuck-em dress to the club WITHOUT YOU is necessary, you become numb to some of the miscellaneous things that can plague your relationship from day one to day two.  Some time ago I adopted the mindset that people gone be who they are and do what they do.  No amount of talking, pleading, counseling or fucking can change the outcome of what they’ve already decided.  You lay things on the table, talk it through and then take it from there.  If you find you’re the only one taking things anywhere, then leave it where you found it.  You can’t get caught up in the idea of love, allowing your orgasm to trick you into a reality that doesn’t exist.  You can’t throw pearls to swine cause the pig will devour your jewels leaving you to replace your precious stones by your lonesome. Love don’t last forever and people evolve.  Relationships that once served us can begin to fail us.  Figure out what you need (sans sex), what you have to offer (sans sex) and seek out those whom you can serve and who can serve you. Start achieving your best self today.  Create relationships that last beyond the heat of the moment.  Make them last because you want to. Not because you feel as if you have to. Until tomorrow youngn’s.

“this is the deep and dying breath of this love that we’ve been working on…”

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October 2011
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