…life from my perspective

You Broke Me…

Writing, running and music are all healing tools for me.  Whenever I’m feeling a bit anxious or I know for sure an emotional breakdown is on the horizon, I do one of those three.  I must confess though, since arriving in Union Jack land, crying has become my fourth. I’ve cried more in the last 7 mos than I have in the past decade!  At night. Alone.  In bed. Listening to music from the ipod as it soothes my heartache while I drift off to sleep.   Wishing I had my mother’s loving arms, my BFF’s comforting words and my sister’s wise cracks to envelop me and make me feel whole again.  And while I wake up with puffy eyes and tear crust stains on my cheek, my heart feels lighter. My soul feels like it’s been washed clean.  My mind is renewed.  And I feel more ready and prepared than the day before to take on whatever curve balls life feels she wants to throw my way.  Let me tell you something about me.  I wear layers of confidence to fight the battles I don’t think I can win and don coats of armour to repel bullshit and foolish people I don’t have the time nor the energy to fix.  But in recent times I’ve come to realize it’s OK if I don’t feel like being strong.  I just NOW learned that brownie points aren’t lost if I’m too knackered to fight the good fight.  My strength comes from NOT being afraid to reveal a few weaknesses.  The heart of my character lies in my unwillingness to give up.  To create options when there doesn’t appear to be any left.  THAT’s who I am.  And that requires a tenacity, determination and mental toughness that at times even I’m surprised I possess.  Look, this isn’t a “I’m a Boss Bitch” rant or an invitation for you to throw all your “attaboys”  in my direction but knowing WHO I am allows me to understand why I see life and people the way I do and it helps to make the world around me more recognizable and my place in it that much more obvious.

This has been the week of emotional meltdowns, break ups, make ups, hook ups and movings on.  I pull from my experience and the lives of those around me to make sense of the confusion and to find peace among the chaos.  Don’t you see my friends?  This is what life’s all about. No pain no gain.  No progression without regression.  No soaring to greater heights without a few pit falls.  No joy without heartache and no riches without pittance.  People, relationships, experiences and opportunities are all invitations for growth.  They serve to damage us, nurture us, teach us, heal us, grow us, hurt us and help us explore ourselves in ways we never could have planned, expected or imagined.  All with the intention of allowing us to ascend to higher heights and morph into something greater than we’ve ever been.  Because of this we must allow the things in our life to run their due course.  You can’t force it, rush it, wish it forever or curse it to never.  You have to relish in the beauty of now and make magic with people every chance you get.  You have to go after that which captures your heart,  marvel at the wonder of extraordinary things and hold tight to the goodness of people whenever and where ever you find it.  Once you understand virtue and you conjure the strength and resolve to become virtuous,  life’s purpose will be revealed.  The path will be laid out, your vision will come into focus and the picture will emerge crystal clear.  On the real though, chasing the tangible things (luxury cars, premium denim, designer bags,  Christian Loo Ba Tons, booty injections, 6 figure salaries, half-million dollar homes, ballers-rappers-actors, picture framed encased linen degrees, hair weaves, acrylic overlays) ain’t gone get you there.  What you seek lies in the admiration of someone else’s greatness.  The challenge in adopting someone else’s good moral being.  The pleasantries of someone else’s grace.  Once you ascertain that you need others to help you become your best you, you waste no time going after them.  Our relationships become less self-serving and more about partnerships and community building.

This evening during my walk home, I read on a billboard that everyone wants to change the world but no one wants to change themselves.  The beauty of life is that it’s constantly changing.  Time is steadily passing and people are constantly on the move. The only constant is change.  But if you want to change the game you must evolve.   Revolution is a thing that starts inside.   Life doesn’t pass out forever after tickets and there aren’t any VIP passes to the champagne room of guarantees.  But rest assured that “the good AND the bad” times, no matter how short lived, are meant to be experienced until the man upstairs punches mother earth’s clock and she lets us know it’s time to be out.  Once “the good AND the bad” has served its purpose and the lesson has been taught its time for “the good AND the bad” to move on so someone else can experience it.  And the “good” us mere mortals know and enjoy can’t compare to the good God has in store for us.  Don’t worry, I hate endings too – the “good ones AND the bad” ones.  So it’s OK to cry.  It’s OK to want to hang on longer than necessary well after “the good AND the bad” has served us.  But we have to be smart.  We have to listen when God speaks (silent voice) and become free of our self-made attachments to make room for “the GREATER good and the bad” headed our way to come and service us.  And we mustn’t give up.  We mustn’t stop challenging ourselves. We mustn’t stop learning. We mustn’t stop living.  We mustn’t stop loving.  Only when we’re obedient to God’s will can we enjoy the fruits of the kingdom.  Until tomorrow youngn’s.

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This entry was posted on June 12, 2012 by in Graduate School, Health and Wellness, Introspection, Lifestyle, Relationships and tagged , , , , , .


June 2012
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