nisavidan

…life from my perspective

STILL DREAMING….

me

How she fount out? She dreamt the whole thing out.  She was at the Royal Opera House in London to see The Royal Ballet performance of The Nutcracker when she spotted him.  He leaned in and whispered something into the ear of the lead ballerina before she took her position on stage.  As she watched his adoring eyes meet her loving smile, she knew.  In that moment, without him ever having to say a word – she knew.

He found his way to his seat, next to hers, and they both greeted each other with an awkward “hello”.  They chatted about the miscellaneous and insignificant to ease the tension and find a place of comfort and familiarity between them that had been long lost.  What she saw told her before he did but she still needed to hear it from him.  Unbeknownst to her, he moved out and ended his 11-year relationship with the older woman; this news came as a shocking surprise.  But the admission that the lead European ballerina was his girlfriend was to be expected.  Somehow, she thought hearing him say it would soften the blow but it came as a Pacquiao side face knockout to the ground; she was devastated.  He then went on to say he had never loved a woman before like he loved the European ballerina, all the while his gaze was fixed on her. The ballerina. Within a matter of seconds her sweaty palms, knotted stomach and migraine headache crippled her.  It was as if her heart jumped out of her chest and rested still in his lap.   She walked out of the theatre before the performance began without her ex-lover even noticing she was gone.  And then she woke up. She sat straight up in her bed knowing the nightmare she just had was God’s way of dropping a dime and telling her to pack up her baggage.

Shit was all good just 6 mos ago.  Not as good as it had been the previous year but still somewhat friendly, familiar, pleasant and enjoyable.  Back when they met and he and told her of his “situation” there was no interest.  Though she found him extremely intelligent, polite, chivalrous and kind, her upstanding character and moral compass told her this was not a direction for her to be heading toward.  Only his persistence ensued.  Her lonely heart, vulnerability, selfishness, need for companionship and attention  and desire to be wanted, touched, understood and loved took over.  It was 7mos of something she had never before experienced in her entire life.  She was overwhelmed by his kindness, focused attention and care of her.  So much so, that at every turn she sabotaged the blossoming relationship convincing herself she wasn’t worthy of such treatment she hadn’t earned as she assisted him in his lies, manipulation and deceit of “his situation”.   She tortured herself with the conflicting cliches of “go where your heart takes you” and “what’s for you is for you”.  Despite the joy she felt during those fleeting moments of happiness, “his situation” was a constant reminder of their reality.  No matter how nice or loving or reassuring or supportive or helpful he was, he always had to go.   No matter how bad things were at home or how hard he tried to convince her of his “exit-strategy”, his priorities lay elsewhere.  This was evidence by no-calls, no-shows, late arrivals, early goodbyes, cancelled plans and phone calls taken in other rooms to smooth over the innocent, fearful, angry, frustrated, anxious, manipulated, victimized “priority”.


For 7mos, the girl who was in something she never experienced before was dying inside.  Engaging someone who was with someone else regardless of the circumstances surrounding their togetherness was something she “don’t do”.  For every yell, fall back, ignored call and abrupt dismissal, he came back stronger and she fell harder.  For those 7mos she struggled with principles of “right and wrong”, the voices in her head and the yearning in her heart.  Lazy Sundays watching chick flicks, late night talks of personal fears, ambitions and life after this endeared her to him.  Thoughts of a possible future with this man whom she wanted to love, serve and conceive children with began to develop – she had never considered such a reality with any of her exes. Not none of them.  But these feelings she had for him she kept to herself.  She only stressed upon him her desire to date and be courted by a man who was available which they both knew he wasn’t.  When he voiced he wanted children and never wanted to be married, she made sure she never shared with him the thoughts she had about their “possible future” together.

By the 8th month, she was completely devoured by her conscious so she told him she could no longer see him.  He was “still at home” and in her mind he would never leave cause they never do.  Staying in something that was undefined with no clear vision of where it was headed was something she “don’t do”.  Over the next year she kept a safe distance but he still persisted.  She pushed and pulled, fought him and herself, yelled and cried, hung up and called back but he was always there.  Every time she yelled “leave me alone” she meant “I want your love”.  The feeling of possibility lived in her heart but the reality of his priority stared her in the face.  But one summer day after being confronted with his reality again she uttered her last dismissal and from then on he stayed away.  He was away for so long , her fears of “be careful what you ask for” were beginning to set in.  5months passed without any contact so she reached out to retrieve her belongings and return his.  After they sorted the dropping off and the picking up of their stuff, she asked him did he still think about her.  He replied yes and went on to inform her that 5mos ago he moved out and ended the relationship with his 11-year girlfriend.  She wasn’t surprised though cause remember, she dreamt the whole thing out.  During the conversation he also revealed that he was dating someone and it was “pretty serious”.  He said he loved “ms. pretty serious” and wanted to marry her.  He hadn’t proposed yet but he wants to wed her sometime next year.  She’s young (27), white and ripe. He’s 38, black and strapped.  The girl on the other line sat stone-faced on the phone.  See, the way her mind works she wanted to know what he saw in her he didn’t see in her.  She wanted to know what she had that she didn’t have.  She wanted to know what she did wrong that “ms. pretty serious” did right.  She wanted to know when he decided he wanted to be married.  She wanted to know since he was no longer tied to “the priority” was there any chance for them.  She wanted to know was she just the burning in his loins  He said ” you know, when the chemistry is there you just know.” He also said “there would be no chance for us” to the girl on the phone.  The girl replies “I see…” and they hung up the phone.

She thinks of what she could have done differently to make him love her. She wishes she hadn’t give so much so soon. She thinks she isn’t worthy.  She thinks the other girl is better though she’s never met her.  She thinks he is madly in love with “ms. pretty serious” and her love has forced him to change his philandering ways.  She thinks she failed him and herself because of her combative behaviour, demands and dismissals.  She thinks if she had just been patient and believed in him “he would have come around”.  She believes she exercised poor judgment and wishes for a do-over.  She feels guilty for cheating on his live-in girlfriend and the part she played in causing her nights of heartache and pain.  To her she sends her sincerest apologies.  She feels her time is running out and thought this was her best shot at creating the life she always wanted.  She hurts from the pain of fighting for a love that walked away and was so freely given to someone else. All over again she feels as if she is dying inside.

But there’s a fighter in her that won’t quit.   That fighter is God. She got internal struggles that she must overcome because she doesn’t want to die.  She’s made mistakes, owns them, wants to learn from them and move on from them.  She’s learned that she’s human, still has love to give and doesn’t want to live her life alone.  She’s realised that patience is good and what IS for you WILL be for YOU.    She knows now, he was never hers.  From the beginning he belonged to someone else.  She accepted never having a fair shot to prove her love and that’s what she regrets.  She relishes in the beauty of the moments they created together because she knows it was real.  She remembers how he looked at her, how he touched her, how he slow danced with her under the moonlight, how patient he was with her, how he spoke to her and though it wasn’t ideal, it was real.  She’s preparing to pick up the pieces and move on from this to be a better woman for the one that is ready and WILLING to be hers and ONLY hers. Her last broke up  landed her into a paid PhD program in Chem Eng in the UK.  She might fuck around and win the million dollar lottery jackpot behind THIS one. Watch my feet……

Advertisements

3 comments on “STILL DREAMING….

  1. MelliniMonique
    November 26, 2013

    Vulnerability. Clarity. Honesty. —–>Move 5 steps forward.
    Love you girl.

  2. Tavana
    November 27, 2013

    Screaming “I LOVE IT!!!”….Transparency at it’s finest….catalyst come in different shapes and forms yet they ALWAYS take you from place to another, so Glad yours has you Upward bound babe!….and believe me we have ALL been there!….thanks for sharing your therapy ; )

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

Information

This entry was posted on November 26, 2013 by in Uncategorized.

WHAT’S TODAY?

November 2013
M T W T F S S
« Jul   Apr »
 123
45678910
11121314151617
18192021222324
252627282930  

Enter your email address to subscribe to this blog and receive notifications of new posts by email.

Join 692 other followers

SEE ME ON IG!

There was an error retrieving images from Instagram. An attempt will be remade in a few minutes.

%d bloggers like this: